


Help Me Hold On To You

by thetomkatwholived



Series: Lover [2]
Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Image, Character Study, Hopeful Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Song: The Archer (Taylor Swift), Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 00:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20331094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetomkatwholived/pseuds/thetomkatwholived
Summary: Grizz has to maintain his outward persona while battling to stay true to himself and hopefully get the guy.





	Help Me Hold On To You

**Author's Note:**

> I heard The Archer and got inspired to explore the dichotomy of Grizz. Since I rarely ever write angst, I'm a bit nervous about this one, especially since it's unbetaed. Hopefully, the idea got across and this ends up being an enjoyable read. I don't know. 
> 
> I kind of want to explore Grizz a bit further within the context of the song, especially the line: "All of my enemies started out friends." So we'll see. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Grizz Visser was a big guy. He was tall and broad and muscular, exactly what a football player should be. His friends and teammates, all of a similar build, relished in their size, basking in the intimidating stature they possessed. On the outside, Grizz looked just like them: the tallest of the bunch, easily towering over almost every other person he encountered. On the inside, however, Grizz was of a much softer stature; one that fits better with his intellectual mindset and gentle demeanor. He was all philosophy and gardening and hidden longing that didn’t seem to fit with his exterior.

He figured it was easy enough to be his exterior for the rest of high school before going off to college and letting his true self emerge. It was so easy to be a part of a group of three other guys all his size and hide in a letterman jacket while poring over Plato and Descartes in the depths of his bedroom. He avoided the public gardens to spend hours in his private garden, not wanting to let it slip how protective he got over a few carrots. Yes, it was so easy for Grizz to be who everyone expected him to be until the day, at some point soon, he didn’t have to be that anymore. 

And then Sam Eliot barrelled into his life. Sam came back from summer break 6 inches taller and much more chiseled. Suddenly, the cute boy Grizz would occasionally glance at had become the most attractive person he’d ever seen. He couldn’t seem to look away. Grizz no longer wanted to be one of four in a gang of football giants, but rather, the kind of person who may be able to catch Sam’s eye. He found himself committing to memory signs he saw Sam use so he could look them up later and feel as though he was in on whatever he was saying. Maybe that was creepy, but Grizz deeply wanted to know what this magnificent boy had to say. 

This high school exterior Grizz wasn’t the same Grizz who could sweep Sam off his feet. Exterior Grizz was some macho, hardened cool guy who was much too important to have to chase after someone. He was a facade; some cruel charade he would be forced to continue until he could get away and stop needing that armor. In West Ham, a large, intimidating jock was not someone who could also be soft and philosophical and, well, gay. 

That was the real crux of it all: Grizz was gay in a small, conservative, religious town. He had friends who still regularly threw around the f-slur as casually as they may call someone an idiot. His parents religiously (no pun intended) attended church, truly taking in the teachings and spending time reflecting on the words preached to them. They weren’t homophobic, rather ignorant to the reality of what being gay actually meant. 

But maybe the real crux was that Grizz never felt like he could be enough for someone like Sam; someone who was open and proud and wholly himself could never love someone who hid behind a played-out trope.

***

In New Ham, Grizz’s exterior became more important than ever because it could no longer be just an exterior. He had to be that intimidating presence he had been pretending to be all this time or someone could  _ die _ . Not just someone, but Allie, who had become someone Grizz couldn’t imagine living without, regardless of her status as the leader of this strange place. She was someone who made Grizz believe he could be more; she let him cry on her shoulder and spew literature at her. Allie was an oasis for Grizz, making her safety more than just a standard duty for Grizz. But this attachment, this sense of belonging he had with her, was something he had to hide from his friends. To them, this was all just a job; Will was the cook, Kelly was the doctor, and The Guard were the police, simple as that. 

Grizz had to fire guns and restrain threats, asserting some level of dominance he might have always had but never truly embraced. Sam, who was soft and sweet and funny, couldn’t possibly want someone who invoked such fear. They were trapped in this small town together maybe forever, and yet Grizz had never felt so distant from Sam.

There would be times when it was just the two of them in the house, and Grizz would feel like screaming and tearing his hair out and burning his damned letterman jacket. Sam would be polite and cordial and so fucking surface-level with him during those moments. All Grizz wanted was to admit to him all his hidden interests and fears and insecurities about never being enough for him, or maybe anyone. He wanted to have real conversations with him about more than the overcooked spaghetti in the cafeteria or who’s turn it was to empty the house’s trashcan. He wanted Sam to complain to him about the lack of subtitled movies for movie night or how it felt for him to not be able to go back to his own damn house. Grizz wanted to spend hours discussing their favorite books and the plans they had for after high school and how much it fucking  _ sucked  _ to be stuck in this place.

But Grizz had been the same to Sam all of high school: a jock. He was a tall, meathead jock who stood at the door and scared people away just by existing. His friends were casually misogynistic and homophobic, sometimes dumb as rocks, and truly terrifying when they wanted to be. Clark had beat up Dewey but didn’t it just seem like the whole Guard had? They were a four-headed beast; if one was violent and out of line, maybe they all were. Maybe Grizz had spent so long pretending to be this person that he missed the part where he had become this person. 

And yet, that dissonance had to still exist. Grizz couldn’t have wholly become this hardened, aggressive monster while he still adored Jane Austen and tended to zucchini and loved a sarcastic, magnetic boy from afar. There was no college to look forward to anymore. If Grizz wanted to transform, he had to do it here and now, even though this place just felt like an elevated version of high school. He wanted to shed his armor. He wanted to be good enough. He wanted Sam.

***

Then, somehow, he had Sam. He had found the strength to shed some of that already weathered exterior and show Sam a bit of who he really was. He showed him that he could be smart while still being endearingly clueless; he showed him his love of gardening and books and performing. Maybe exterior Grizz wasn’t enough for Sam, but the real Grizz could be.

And then it all went to shit. Sam had a baby on the way with his best friend, who he had a stronger connection with than he ever would with Grizz. Becca seemed excited and smitten at the prospect of starting a family with Sam. Suddenly, Grizz would have to be a secret or a homewrecker if he wanted to stay with the boy he adored. 

As he ran from the hospital back to his house, the realization still fresh and burning, he cried for all that he wanted and all he would never be able to have, at least not in this awful, stifling place. In the real world, he’d get over it; he’d move away and find someone new who drew him in the same all-consuming way Sam did. However, in New Ham, he’d be forced to watch the only person he could ever see himself loving in this place have a happy life with someone else.

He wrenched the door open, stumbled his way to his room, and collapsed on the bed, still mussed from his time with Sam. The pillow retained his scent so Grizz clutched it tightly as he cried. Just look at him now: this intimidating henchman had been diminished to a sobbing mess, curled into a tiny ball and gasping for breath. This was Grizz. He was no strong man, no imposing presence. Grizz was a scared and fragile boy with a heart too big and a brain too wise, who was threatening to crack at any moment. The dam had broken; Grizz was set free.

***

As Grizz yelled at Sam, he couldn’t help but feel somewhat guilty. Up until that week, Grizz was not an option for Sam so why should Sam have made any sort of accommodations for him? Who was he to burst onto the scene and demand to be the only important part of Sam’s life? What had Sam done to upset him? Was it that he had lied or was it that he now came with baggage that Grizz wasn’t ready to handle? Grizz had slept with girls in the past, the same as Sam. He could easily have been in this exact position. 

The realization hit him fiercely in the gut: Sam wanted what Grizz wanted. He wanted to shed his high school self and find that life he had promised himself he’d have in the future. Maybe he had hit a fairly large roadblock, but why couldn’t Grizz see past it?

“Grizz. Please look at me,” Sam was pleading with Grizz as he stared at his Poe portrait and tried to contain himself. “Please, I want to talk to you. This can’t just be it for us.”

Grizz slowly pivoted, sniffling and wiping tears, “I’m not enough for you. You have someone who loves you who is so good for you. You have a family. I’m… I’m some dumb jock with a hopeless crush.” His voice gave out at the end as a broken sob ripped through him.

“What? How… how can you say that?” Sam looked appalled at Grizz’s words.

“How am I any different than Campbell? I just intimidate and scare people into leaving a select group alone. Isn’t that what he does? I’m not some soft gay farmer like I want to be. I’m the muscle. I barge into houses with crowbars and withhold food from prisoners and act as a member of a goddamn firing squad,” Grizz collapsed onto the bed and buried his head in his hands.

“You do your job, just like the rest of us. But that is not all you are. You are sweet and kind and smart and funny. I’ve never been afraid of you like I have always been with Campbell. Grizz, I… Grizz.” Sam settled next to him on the bed and wrapped his arms around him, peppering kisses to his shoulder.

“I want you so badly,” Grizz whispered this wish, fully aware Sam would not know what he said.

They stayed like that for a while, Grizz calming himself down while Sam nuzzled into his neck, placing soothing kisses to his skin. When Sam pulled back, Grizz made sure that Sam could see what he said: “Can you see right through me?”

“Yes. But not in the way you think. Not in a bad way. I can see who you are underneath your armor. You just have to let me in. Let me in, Grizz.” Sam’s ocean eyes were filled with tears as he implored Grizz to trust him with his heart.

Grizz caressed his cheek, smiling slightly as Sam turned into his palm. He leaned in to connect their lips, slowly, reverently, scared that this may all go away at any moment.

They made out lazily, still crying, both sighing into each kiss. Sam pulled back, swallowed hard, and laced his hand with one of Grizz’s.

“Becca does not expect me to be with her. She knows I’m gay, and she knows I want to find someone. It’ll be hard and complicated and it’ll suck sometimes. But I want to be with you!  The real you, not whoever you think you have to be. I’ll sit with you after rough days protecting the town and I’ll let you babble about Socrates and I’ll harvest that whole damn garden with you. I. Want. You.” Sam gave Grizz a solid kiss, pressing into him, trying to show him how serious he truly was about wanting to be with him.

“I want you. God, Sam, all I want is you. I don’t want to tear you away from your family, but if you want to be with me, I’m not going to say no. We have to tell Becca. Clear it with her.” Sam nodded at Grizz’s insistence.

“I’ll tell her. We’ll tell her. And… we’ll tell her.” While Sam didn’t seem to say all he wanted to at that moment, Grizz still felt infinitely lighter to hear him want to be open about their relationship. They shared soft smiles as Grizz tightly grasped both of Sam’s hands, squeezing them and letting out a relieved sigh.

***

Grizz was still a big guy. He was still tall and broad and muscular, giving off the vibe that he is a threat. But Grizz was also a sensitive guy who loved to garden and read philosophy and spend time with his boyfriend. And maybe, in this insane facsimile of home, he can be both the archer and the prey.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to find me on Tumblr at [theswiftiewholived](https://theswiftiewholived.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
